Have you ever slandered the name of someone you care about because you were feeling bad about yourself? I have! Not only do I regret it, but I also feel eminence guilt for doing so. Approaching this dilemma, I looked at how my decision will affect my inter personal relationship with this individual and have asked myself how this decision will reflect on who I am as a person.
As I first began to debate whether I should tell her what I had done or not, I was not aware of these important questions I should be asking myself and originally skipped a few and have still yet to get to all of them. However the questions I have asked myself have really made me think. I started with the recolonization of the issue and asked myself if the decision to tell would be damaging to Debby. Of course it would be. Finding out you've been betrayed always hurts, especially when it comes from a close friend. Next I thought about the facts of the matter asking myself: How will the different outcomes affect us not only individually, but as friend too? Well, if I don't tell her our friendship will stay the same and we can continue to move forward. She won't have to deal with the pain or internal conflict that this discovery would bring and I could quietly forgive myself and continue to strive to be a better friend without hurting her anymore since I have definitely learned from my mistakes. If I tell her she will become very upset with me, but at least she would have and honest take on things and have the ability to choose who she is surrounding herself with more clearly and in her best interest. In this case, I would most likely lose a very dear friend unless she decides that my honesty and apology are worth redemption and she forgives me. With all of this in mind I ask myself one of the most important question of them all. Which decision will reflect best on the person that I want to be? It would be the decision to tell her. I have no doubt; However I still don't know what I'm going to do. I am torn between whether or not I am willing to risk this friendship over something that is in the past and can so easily be over looked. I am also very conflicted with the thought that both of these option could be considered ethical in different ways. Maybe that's the issue. Maybe both options could be considered both right and wrong and it really depends on who's looking at it. Maybe I should re evaluate using a different standard of ethics and see if I still feel the same.
https://www.scu.edu/ethics/ethics-resources/ethical-decision-making/a-framework-for-ethical-decision-making/
So here's what happened. My friend and I, lets call her Debbie, have been frequently talking about about growing as people, the importance of it, and how we can continue to do so in our lives, for about a year now. When this conversation had started I had been experiencing lots of growth as a person and her journey had just began. She is in her thirties and has been through many traumatic events in her life which has caused her to develop some negative coping skill, which is totally normal, but to grow it is important to try and get out of these habits and replace these coping skills with more positive one. This takes time and everyone moves at their own pace. Sometimes it can even take years, but as long as you're trying, that's what matters. Even though that's something that I believe and have even expressed while conversing with Debbie, somewhere along the lines, I stopped considering it. About seven months ago I started to stagnate some as a person and even move backwards in my growth. While refusing to admit it to myself or anyone around me, I developed somewhat of a condescending attitude towards Debbie and her progress in growth to better ignore the fact that I wasn't doing to hot in that area myself, but not to her face of course. I would chat with a mutual friend, who had also hopped on the growth train, and basically complain about how I didn't think Debbie was moving forward and that she was all talk and no game. I was, as you know, in the wrong. Not only was I being a hypocrite, but also a horrible friend. I refused to consider how hard it is to rewire such deeply rooted habits and the internal conflict that is faced along with it. I see this now and every time I go over to her house and witness the incredible changes that she has and is making in her life.
So my dilemma is this: After months of regrowth and consideration, I feel that it is only fair to be honest with her and let her know about my indiscretions even though they aren't current but some what recent. I feel that she should have the right to chose weather or not she wants me to be in her life after being so two-faced. However, the thought of loosing such a dear friend over something that is no longer happening feels kind of ridiculous to me. As I face this dilemma I ask myself "What kind of a person would I be if I don't tell her?" This kind of ethical questioning would fall under the ethical standards of what you would call "The virtue approach". This a very old approach to ethics in which it is believed that your actions should match up with a certain virtues "for the full development of our humanity".(Veasquez, Monberg, Meyer et al. 2009, pg.277) These virtues are preconceived tendencies and than actions that allow us to behave in the best way possible based on virtues such as honesty and integrity. When making ethical decisions there are certain steps that you are suppose to take or rather, questions you ask yourself to help you determine what actions you should take. This is known as "The Framework for Ethical Decision Making" (Veasquez, Monberg, Meyer et al. 2009, pg.278) These steps include: recognizing the ethical issue, getting the facts, evaluating alternative actions, making a decision and testing it and acting and reflecting on the outcome.
So my dilemma is this: After months of regrowth and consideration, I feel that it is only fair to be honest with her and let her know about my indiscretions even though they aren't current but some what recent. I feel that she should have the right to chose weather or not she wants me to be in her life after being so two-faced. However, the thought of loosing such a dear friend over something that is no longer happening feels kind of ridiculous to me. As I face this dilemma I ask myself "What kind of a person would I be if I don't tell her?" This kind of ethical questioning would fall under the ethical standards of what you would call "The virtue approach". This a very old approach to ethics in which it is believed that your actions should match up with a certain virtues "for the full development of our humanity".(Veasquez, Monberg, Meyer et al. 2009, pg.277) These virtues are preconceived tendencies and than actions that allow us to behave in the best way possible based on virtues such as honesty and integrity. When making ethical decisions there are certain steps that you are suppose to take or rather, questions you ask yourself to help you determine what actions you should take. This is known as "The Framework for Ethical Decision Making" (Veasquez, Monberg, Meyer et al. 2009, pg.278) These steps include: recognizing the ethical issue, getting the facts, evaluating alternative actions, making a decision and testing it and acting and reflecting on the outcome.
As I first began to debate whether I should tell her what I had done or not, I was not aware of these important questions I should be asking myself and originally skipped a few and have still yet to get to all of them. However the questions I have asked myself have really made me think. I started with the recolonization of the issue and asked myself if the decision to tell would be damaging to Debby. Of course it would be. Finding out you've been betrayed always hurts, especially when it comes from a close friend. Next I thought about the facts of the matter asking myself: How will the different outcomes affect us not only individually, but as friend too? Well, if I don't tell her our friendship will stay the same and we can continue to move forward. She won't have to deal with the pain or internal conflict that this discovery would bring and I could quietly forgive myself and continue to strive to be a better friend without hurting her anymore since I have definitely learned from my mistakes. If I tell her she will become very upset with me, but at least she would have and honest take on things and have the ability to choose who she is surrounding herself with more clearly and in her best interest. In this case, I would most likely lose a very dear friend unless she decides that my honesty and apology are worth redemption and she forgives me. With all of this in mind I ask myself one of the most important question of them all. Which decision will reflect best on the person that I want to be? It would be the decision to tell her. I have no doubt; However I still don't know what I'm going to do. I am torn between whether or not I am willing to risk this friendship over something that is in the past and can so easily be over looked. I am also very conflicted with the thought that both of these option could be considered ethical in different ways. Maybe that's the issue. Maybe both options could be considered both right and wrong and it really depends on who's looking at it. Maybe I should re evaluate using a different standard of ethics and see if I still feel the same.
https://www.scu.edu/ethics/ethics-resources/ethical-decision-making/a-framework-for-ethical-decision-making/
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